A spoonful of sugar

Riddle me this, Mary Poppins.

If you are a SAHM, why do you need a nanny? I’m not talking about once a week for a couple of hours while you take some time for yourself. I’m talking, full-on, all day nanny.

Let’s break it down. S = Stay; A = at; H = home; M = MOM.

All right – I’ll ‘fess up. I don’t particulary care for the mommy in question. Let’s call her Georgia. Georgia’s son is a little prick to my son. Which explains my dislike for her as she cannot even fathom that her son might be less than perfect. While I willingly admit that they are 9 year boys each with their own version of the story and the truth hovering somewhere in the middle of their respective stories, her stance is “Not my son, no way, not ever”.

The Postman, knowing how I feel about Georgia, dropped this little tidbit on me: “I think Georgia has a nanny for the kids.” Say what, Postman?  “I see the same car there every day, regardless of time, with the same blonde chick out with the kids.”

Hmmmmm….interesting.  Perhaps her son IS a little prick and even she can’t stand being around him all day.

A child is a curly dimpled lunatic.  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Yet again, I’ve managed to make a fool of myself

I mentioned the other day that the kids are with their dad right now.

I was on the phone with my father and he asked what the Postman and I planned on doing while they were gone.  I ran through all the options in my head:  Clean the house, cook food we know they don’t like, make and eat snacks all by ourselves without having to share, watch what we want on TV, sleep late.  I decided to sum it up for him by saying “Oh, you know.  Stuff we can’t really do with the kids around.”  Which then totally sounded like I was saying “We’re going to have sex and lots of it.”  So I stumbled over my words a bit and went on to say something like “I mean…clean the house and make food they don’t like and stuff…”  which then totally sounded like I was trying to COVER UP the fact that I think I just told my dad that I have sex.

Which he wouldn’t believe anyway.  I’m pretty sure even though he is not Catholic, when it comes to me he is certain – or hoping – my children were immaculate conceptions. 

I’m off to have sex clean the house.

I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty.  ~John Waters

Bloggy Giveaway

 

Now doesn’t this seem like mad fun?  This is going to be my first giveaway and I am pretty stoked about it.

What is the prize, you ask?  I thought I’d go with a pampering theme.

First there’s this:

Organix Nourishing Coconut Milk Shampoo, Conditioner, and Split End Mender.

Next we have this:

That’s right….chocolate!  A bag filled with assorted flavors of Lindt Truffles.

And last but not least:

A book.  Any book.  Your choice.  Up to $25. 

The rules are fairly simple.  Leave me a comment before 10:00PM EST on Friday, August 1st.  I will use a super secret random number generator to pick a winner.  That’s it.  Simple, right?  So what are you waiting for?  Go leave a comment!

Batshit crazy

Heh. There might be some swearing in this post.

Y’all know how much I love the Postman, right? 

I have to ask…regardless of how much you love your significant other, is there something about them that absolutely drives you BATSHIT CRAZY?

Because there is with the Postman.  It’s his driving.

When the kids make a transition from our house to their dad’s house or vice-versa, we meet halfway which is about an hour or so drive time for each of us.  Today was a travel day as they are spending the next two weeks with their dad.

Sweet mother of god – I truly fear for our lives when we are driving with the P-Man.  I’m not even sure WHY he drives like he does, because if he gets into an accident that won’t be good for his career, not to mention the chance of bodily injury.  He is on a personal mission to make sure that every other driver on the road knows that they are inarguably inferior to him when it comes to mad driving skillz, yo.

The stretch of highway that we take is two lanes.  One lane is a travel lane and one lane is a passing lane.  P-Man’s most favorite thing to do is come right up on the ass of a car traveling – as opposed to passing – in the passing lane and riding their ass until they move into the travel lane.  He will speed up to catch a car that he thinks is wrongly “traveling” in the passing lane, just so he can play that game and show them how idiotic they are being for not following correct driving rules or etiquette or some shit.  He rarely travels in the travel lane himself because he is too busy playing citizen vigilante.

Granted, it pisses me off when two cars are traveling at a similar rate of speed and no one can get around them because they are taking up BOTH lanes.  But I don’t seek out the idiots by speeding up.  I also don’t ride their asses because if they are that stupid, then I don’t really want to be anywhere near them.

I have tried everything.  I have tried to tell him that it scares me because if those people are truly the idiots he thinks they are, then it wouldn’t be outside the realm of possibility for them to slam on their brakes causing us to slam into them.  Then not only would he have an accident – that was also 100% his fault – on his driving record, thereby potentially affecting his job; he would also have to deal with changing my catheter and/or adult diapers since I am pretty sure that I would be paralyzed from at least the waist down what with an impact of that magnitude.  And that would just not be fun for anybody.

I have tried telling him that we are not in a race.

I have said things like “Stop being such a jackass.”

I have told him that the reason I don’t stretch my legs out in front of me when we are in the car is because I am afraid of above mentioned paralysis.

I have nagged.  Because he loves when I do that.

I have offered/demanded that I drive.

Today I simply said “I need to start taking Xanax before I get in the car for these trips.”

I am at my wits end – because he really is a jerk behind the wheel.   It is that much more odd because he is not like that in any other aspect of his life.  He is the most laid back, calm, gentle man I know.

So what so I do, internets?  What do you all do when there is that one freakin’ thing about your partner that you just really can’t stand?

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.  ~Dave Barry, “Things That It Took Me 50 Years to Learn”

Overheard at Casa Loca

The Captain (while perusing Discovery.com sharkweek pages):  Mom, I’m going to name a shark after you.

Me:  I get it, Freud.

************************************************************************************************************

Me:  Honey, there’s a bug on the blanket over here.

P-Man:  So kill it.

Me (taking a half-hearted swat at it):  I can’t.

P-Man:  It’s a moth, not a python for god’s sake!

************************************************************************************************************

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.  ~Author Unknown

Love

This is too much for words.

I read a conservative article today

Truth be told, it really wasn’t a conservative article so y’all can just pick your jaws up off the floor now.  It WAS, however, an article written by Mickey Edwards – the author of Reclaiming Conservatism.  He is a former Republican congressman from Oklahoma.

The article I speak of may or may not have been in the August 2008 edition of Playboy.  When I tried locating the article online so I could link to it, I could not find it.  I did find other articles though and I was pleasantly surprised at a lot of what he has to say in regards to our upcoming election.  It might be worth a Google, if that’s the sort of stuff that interests you.

Politics, it seems to me, for years, or all too long, has been concerned with right or left instead of right or wrong.  ~Richard Armour

And we’re back!

I have been among the missing for awhile. 

We were on vacation last week and work was crazy this week!  Sometimes working from home takes up more hours than if I just went into the office!

So here is a bullet post.

• We rented a big-ass dumpster the week we were on vacation and filled the ENTIRE thing!  We are still waiting for the total bill.
• When planning a trip to Sam’s, it is helpful for one of us to have a Margarita or seven before we go.  If I have the Margaritas, then I don’t care that we walk up and down every single aisle and I don’t bitch.  If the Postman has the Margaritas then he doesn’t care if I am bitching.  This has worked twice for us so far.
• I am typing this on my brand new fancy schmancy Toshiba laptop.  It has taken me about 47 million hours because I keep hitting keys that take me to weird places on the page.  Technologically sound I am not.  I am also prone to exaggeration.
• I have done something to my neck and it is hurting like crazy!  I should take something and try to lay down, but I am too enthralled with my new laptop.  Plus laying (lying?  I never get that one right) down really makes it hurt more.

That’s it for now.  I’ll be back soon (er)!

No man needs a vacation so much as the person who just had one. ~ Elbert Hubbard

Sometimes I even amaze myself

Last night I was convinced I was either hallucinating or there were aliens tracking my every move via my dog.

I was very restless after going to bed so I was about to get up and use the bathroom, get a drink of water, flip my pillow to the cool side…but as I was rolling over and opening my eyes I saw a flash of light in our bedroom. I reached for my glasses (because I am blind as a bat without them)…took a look around the room, looked out the window and saw nothing. Except out of the corner of my eye – another flash.

WTF?

I got back in bed, and contemplated my next move. This is the point at which I thought I might be hallucinating. I have been fighting a migraine for a couple of days, and I had taken two pain pills over the course of the last two days. Since we have a habit of overmedicating here at Casa Crazy, I thought maybe I had overdone the pain pills. 

As the flashes continued, I tried to pinpoint where they were coming from.  I realized one was RIGHT NEXT TO ME ON THE BED.  Except…it seemed to be coming from under the covers…where the Hairless Chinese Crested sleeps.  (Yeah…he sleeps with us, under the covers…all the dogs sleep with us because we’re idiots and they are spoiled.  Don’t judge.  He’s the only one who sleeps under the covers because, well, he has no hair.)  So anyway…the dog is flashing.  Aliens have planted a tracking device in our dog – which, if you’ve seen him IRL, makes PERFECT sense and explains a lot.

Did I mention I haven’t been sleeping well AND I’ve been fighting a migraine?  It’s time to call in the big guns.

Me:  Honey, are you awake?  (Shaking him just in case he isn’t…)

P-Man:  What?  What’s wrong?  What is it?

Me:  There’s lights flashing in our room.

P-Man:  Huh?

Me:  Flashes. Of. Lights. In. Our. Room.  Just wait – you’ll see one.

Cricket, cricket, cricket.

Me:  There!  Did you see that?  And here!  On our bed – another one!

Him: Yeah.  (He reaches over for the light now)

Him:  It’s a lightning bug.

Me:  No.  No it isn’t.  It wasn’t just in one spot.  Except for the one under the covers which is clearly an implanted tracking device.

Him:  No, it’s lightning bugs.  (As he reached out and traps one that is flying by…and turns back the covers to reveal the one on the back of the dog….)

Me:  Oh.  Um.  Well.  Look at that!  Lightning bugs!  Heh heh heh.  Um…sorry for waking you up for that.

Him:  Goodnight honey.

I am such a loser.

Light comes to us unexpectedly and obliquely.  Perhaps it amuses the gods to try us.  They want to see whether we are asleep.  ~H.M. Tomlinson

Desires

I covet this:

It’s a Kindle.  Go here to check it out.

It is what you read when you don’t have to that determines what you will be when you can’t help it.  ~Oscar Wilde