Heh. There might be some swearing in this post.
Y’all know how much I love the Postman, right?
I have to ask…regardless of how much you love your significant other, is there something about them that absolutely drives you BATSHIT CRAZY?
Because there is with the Postman. It’s his driving.
When the kids make a transition from our house to their dad’s house or vice-versa, we meet halfway which is about an hour or so drive time for each of us. Today was a travel day as they are spending the next two weeks with their dad.
Sweet mother of god – I truly fear for our lives when we are driving with the P-Man. I’m not even sure WHY he drives like he does, because if he gets into an accident that won’t be good for his career, not to mention the chance of bodily injury. He is on a personal mission to make sure that every other driver on the road knows that they are inarguably inferior to him when it comes to mad driving skillz, yo.
The stretch of highway that we take is two lanes. One lane is a travel lane and one lane is a passing lane. P-Man’s most favorite thing to do is come right up on the ass of a car traveling – as opposed to passing – in the passing lane and riding their ass until they move into the travel lane. He will speed up to catch a car that he thinks is wrongly “traveling” in the passing lane, just so he can play that game and show them how idiotic they are being for not following correct driving rules or etiquette or some shit. He rarely travels in the travel lane himself because he is too busy playing citizen vigilante.
Granted, it pisses me off when two cars are traveling at a similar rate of speed and no one can get around them because they are taking up BOTH lanes. But I don’t seek out the idiots by speeding up. I also don’t ride their asses because if they are that stupid, then I don’t really want to be anywhere near them.
I have tried everything. I have tried to tell him that it scares me because if those people are truly the idiots he thinks they are, then it wouldn’t be outside the realm of possibility for them to slam on their brakes causing us to slam into them. Then not only would he have an accident – that was also 100% his fault – on his driving record, thereby potentially affecting his job; he would also have to deal with changing my catheter and/or adult diapers since I am pretty sure that I would be paralyzed from at least the waist down what with an impact of that magnitude. And that would just not be fun for anybody.
I have tried telling him that we are not in a race.
I have said things like “Stop being such a jackass.”
I have told him that the reason I don’t stretch my legs out in front of me when we are in the car is because I am afraid of above mentioned paralysis.
I have nagged. Because he loves when I do that.
I have offered/demanded that I drive.
Today I simply said “I need to start taking Xanax before I get in the car for these trips.”
I am at my wits end – because he really is a jerk behind the wheel. It is that much more odd because he is not like that in any other aspect of his life. He is the most laid back, calm, gentle man I know.
So what so I do, internets? What do you all do when there is that one freakin’ thing about your partner that you just really can’t stand?
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. ~Dave Barry, “Things That It Took Me 50 Years to Learn”